His human was shocked to see President Harpo of the Rural Kansas "Rocks" Foundation stir after a relaxing long winter's sleep that lasted all the way through spring. After all, last year the President's hard slumber was broken only by the noise of the Humans' 4th of July festivities.
But the unconscious yet insidious lure of visiting more of the geological features and creatures of the Sunflower State caused our President to grant his human permission to chauffeur him around once more. So far this June has been one of the best Exploring months Harpo has ever made.
At first threatening skies made his human chauffeur blanch on the idea of heading out, but the iron determination of our President would not be denied by a little water. So they get hit by lightning or washed away in a flood. It is at these times, Harpo has long noted, that being mineral is a huge advantage!
Heading south on U.S. Highway 281 in Osborne County, Kansas the President noticed their passing through a layer of Fort Hays Limestone. "This country has good roots!" he observed.
Those humans inside the world-famous Garden of Eden in Lucas, Kansas were both surprised and thrilled to see the President of the RKR taking time out of his busy schedule to commune with their unique attraction. Even he was struck dumb in astonishment at the way one enterprising human found to use rock, minerals, dirt, and - in other words - all things enjoyed by all members of the Rural Kansas "Rocks" Foundation. The Garden itself had one request of Harpo: to pass on to all humans to "wipe their feet more."
Here's a rare site - the President grinning from ridge-to-ridge as he fulfills a personal fantasy and is allowed to become part of a human Art Car. This particular Art Car belongs to Lucas artist Erika Nelson, whom among many other things is the director of The World's Largest Collection of the World's Smallest Versions of the World's Largest Things Traveling Roadside Attraction and Museum (say that fast three times!), recently named ONE OF THE TOP 15 ODDEST AND WACKIEST MUSEUMS IN THE WORLD by funkydowntown.com. (Go to http://www.worldslargestthings.com/ for much, much more.)
[GOSSIP ALERT: Harpo later admitted to aides that he has a crush on the human Erika. If only she was made of red granite.]
Our President finds human activities like art and most other things that humans do to be, well, simply beyond the comprehension of the average rock, and so absolutely fascinating to be part of. He is either a true visionary or just off his rocker.
The President's motorcade then headed south on Kansas Highway 18 to Wilson Dam & Reservoir, where he paused to pay homage to the Post Rock Scenic Byway at the official information kiosk to be found at the western end of the dam. "While Humans remain largely ignorant of the contributions that Rocks have made to the Great Human Equation," he orated during a brief address to the small gathering of dressed stones, "Strides, such as the naming of this Scenic Byway on behalf of such an illustrious formation of Rocks as yourselves, while small, still point toward the day when there will be a greater recognition of the inherent rights of all Rocks and thus better treatment for Rocks everywhere."
As with all such meetings between rocks, the audience remained silent as they take the next eight to thirteen Human years to mull over the President's words. Was he full of hot air? His head full of rocks? A true champion in the cause of Human/Rock relations? The potential Sedimentary Party's Candidate for the year 5,623,108,721 Presidential elections? Only time will tell.
[GOSSIP ALERT: Rolling Stone Magazine reports that recently the still-single and highly eligible President of the Rural Kansas "Rocks" Foundation seemed intrigued with a certain dressed stone of the Post Rock Clan. She, however, was already cemented into a relationship with several other fellow Clan members, and proved further to have a heart of stone in declining his invitation to "sit around."]
The Human concept of the word "lake" was completely lost on the President as he stared out over the expanse of Wilson Reservoir. Drops of water falling out of the sky or rushing past in a small stream he had had experience with, but gathering together a single mass of water for no visible purpose known to rocks . . . humans really are odd.
The accents of the rocks that make up this fine Veteran's Monument in Wilson, Kansas showed them to be partly of Igneous descent. Still, our President still managed to convey his traditional First Contact Speech Used In Meeting New Rocks in a manner that all understood.
PRESIDENT: "hi."
ALIEN ROCKS: "zzzz . . . wah-?"
PRESIDENT: "rock too."
ALIEN ROCKS: "you??"
PRESIDENT: "yup."
ALIEN ROCKS: "huh."
PRESIDENT: "dust good."
ALIEN ROCKS: "yup."
PRESIDENT: "zzzzz . . . ."
ALIEN ROCKS: "zzzzz . . . ."
It appears that all politicians, from whatever the persuation, are just naturally darn windy.
It was an official nominee for the 8 Wonders of Kansas Customs. It is Millers of Claflin, the giant furniture store now in its second century of doing business and comprising literally of several blocks of buildings in downtown Claflin, Kansas - a central Kansas community with a population this side of a thousand people. The President tried to absorb the sight and to understand the human concepts of space, retail, money, and something called whimsy. He really tried. Still, he encourages all Humans to come and see this one-of-a-kind spectacle - and to buy stamps at the local post office.
[GOSSIP ALERT: The President's motorcade made its way into eastern Kansas and to Burlingame, a former stop on the legendary Santa Fe Trail. It was there that our President publicly gave into his well-known weakness for Red Granite Babes and talked this well-dressed rural beauty into having a photograph taken with him. The ensuing nowhere-near-a-scandal soon broke and the photo quickly graced the covers of rock-oriented fanzines around the world such as This Rock, Crawdaddy!, Kerrang, and Revolver. This in turn has given Burlingame yet another tourist slogan: Home of the Red Granite Girl.]
[GOSSIP ALERT: Not long afterwards the President found himself with yet another of the Sunflower State's legendary Red Granite Babes, this time in Council Grove, Kansas. Completely enamored with the tall lovely young hunk, he first attempted to woo her with one of his favorite Brooks & Dunn songs, then switched with increasing desperation to selections ranging from Def Leppard to Bill Haley and even Eric Carmen. True to her foundations, she maintained a lofty silent disregard for his plaintiff warblings and was rock solid in her refusal to leave her designated post, as set by the Daughters of the Revolution in 1906.]
Heartbroken, our President can be seen sitting in front of the remains of Council Oak, at the foot of which the treaty that opened the Santa Fe Trail to human traverse was agreed upon in 1825. This stump is all that is left of the town's namesake grove of trees. In the spring of 2010 Council Grove was named a finalist for the 8 Wonders of Kansas History contest.
With calcite and iron running through his version of veins, the President soon recovered enough to continue with his Official Visit.
The other great tree landmark (we choose to ignore Custer Elm - sorry) in Council Grove is the Post Office Oak, which for a time was used as an actual deposit site for letters from travelers to and fro on the Santa Fe Trail. The President reported that the ancient Oak actually has a number of humorous anecdotes about the early days of the town. Unfortunately most of them are totally unfunny except to trees, who have a decidedly warped sense of humor when compared to humans or even rocks.
Newest among the city's many monuments is this statue of a Kaw Indian brave, created by Kansas sculptor Mark Sampsel. It stands at the head of the town's Riverwalk, which crosses the Neosho River at the same point as the original Santa Fe Trail once did.
Council Grove's venerable Madonna of the Trail Monument was the one thing that truly awed our President. How does a rock grow into such a shape? He was really impressed.
While the President's human was trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions at the Morris County Historical Society, Harpo idled away the hours sitting around and communing with this lesser-known Council Grove historical marker, denoting the 100th anniversary of the first Pack Train to traverse what became the Santa Fe Trail.
The summer has just started and our President and his Human are out there somewhere, traveling the byways and backroads of the Sunflower State seeking to Explore all there is to be Explored. Watch for them soon near you!
